BACK HOME

this era started the day after i told my dad that i'd be dropping out of university. i wept that entire night. i was devastated and massively disappointed that the opportunity of going to university had slipped out of my grasp. i knew it was gonna linger with me for a while, and it still does to this day. but at the same time, i was relieved to get out of there, and come back home. i had a plan in place already: i'd move back home and go back to the college i previously attended, Trident Tech. i would get a job there and try to get a degree in something computer-related.

on December 1, i had to drive up to my apartment and start the process of moving out. the first step was the most painful. i had to rip down "the wall".

my parents helped me move everything out. my dad was disappointed but understanding of my emotions, but my mom could barely even look at me. she looked so upset the entire time. i knew i had let her down, my family down, and myself down. and i still have to live with that.

a few days after that, i did the last thing i would ever do at my university: attend an astronomy meeting. this meeting was to take place at a nature reserve out in the middle of nowhere, away from any major light pollution. it was a 2 hour drive to get there. it was very eerie, driving on dark empty country roads, far away from any other people. i was listening to boards of canada the entire time, which only made it eerier. for some reason, i really enjoyed it. something about being in the dark like that, in the most remote parts of the state, scratched an itch i didn't know i had. when i got there, i met up with students that i had never talked to before, or have talked to since. i didn't talk at all that night. i wasn't there to make friends. i'm not going to that university anymore. i was there to look at the night sky. i cannot stress how quiet it was out there. just perfect, dark, still night. looking up at the night sky filled me with an indescribable feeling. i was almost too scared to look up. i could feel the crushing weight of the infinite night sky. but it was just so amazing to look at. to just look up and ponder my smallness in this universe.

here's some pics i took of the stars. can you tell which constellation is my favorite?

about a month after that was one of the worst nights of my life. i hadn't taken edibles for a few months, mostly because i was concerned about how my heart would do. i had anxiety about my heart, and sometimes after taking an edible, i would get very stressed, thinking my heart was about to fail. but that night, i was feeling good, and i took an edible, but i took more than i should have. i remember as the high approached, i was having a great time. i laughed at something so hard that i felt dizzy and light-headed. for some reason, that started a panic attack. i felt like my heart was beating out of my chest, and that it was about to explode. for the next five hours or so, i paced around my room, thinking that i was about to pass out or die. i couldn't lay down, because i felt like i was melting into my bed. it was the first proper "bad trip" i've ever had, and it scarred me. it was a level of fear i hadn't really felt before. eventually, the high wore off, and the next morning, i was so thankful just to be alive.

unfortunately, the effects from this would be long lasted. this incident really brought up the fear i had about my heart. it increased tenfold. i stopped weed entirely. i cut out most of the fried food from my diet, and this actually resulted in me losing about 50 pounds. 50 pounds lost because i was scared to eat, basically. any time i felt my heart racing, it brought back the emotions from that night, and i felt like i might die. this cardiophobia affected me every day for months. every day i would spend hours thinking about my heart. anything that i felt was out of order would scare the living shit out of me. just being alive made me anxious. this generalized anxiety got to the point where i couldn't even relax. even when lying in bed, i was anxious about my heart. the only rest from this anxiety was when i fell asleep. the next morning, it would start again. i went to the doctor multiple times, where they ran tests on me, and even fitted me with a heart monitor for a week. the results came back clean. my heart was apparently just fine. but how could that be? i thought they had clearly missed something. even the doctors telling me that my heart was fine did nothing to ease my anxiety.

for the first couple months of 2024, i pretty much sat at home doing nothing. i was pretty slow at applying for jobs. i went to some classes at school, but other than that, i just lied in my bed at home. by february, i started to get cabin fever. existing not only gave me anxiety, but it made me miserable. i think the proper term for what i was experiencing with anhedonia. he inability to experience pleasure or enjoyment from activities that would normally be pleasurable.

finally, i got a job at a familiar place. the hub at Trident Tech! except they had been renamed to the student success center. it was essentially the same job i had before, except this time i would be paid a bit more. i was very happy to be starting there again, and it helped me a bit with my depression. going out and being at work definitely helped me feel better in my day-to-day life.

the next couple months weren't very pleasant. in april, i came down with norovirus or something like that. i'll spare you the details, but it wasn't pretty. i eventually had to go to the emergency room due to dehydration and because i was throwing up blood. my heart rate and blood pressure had skyrocketed. while i lied there on the bed for hours, there was a 90-something year old lady next to me behind a curtain. i don't want to talk about all the things i heard from behind the curtain, but it was very unpleasant. she kept talking about how she just wanted to die already. after what felt like forever, they finally let me go home, and i slept for the next 16 hours. i still felt nauseous for the week after.

in june, i made a trip to southern california to see my girlfriend again. i had a wonderful time with her, as always. my favorite time was when we took a train to go see some wonderful chinese and japanese gardens. it was so tranquil and peaceful there.

on the train ride back home, my gf slept while resting her head on my shoulder. the sun was setting, and the view outside was so pretty. for some reason, i had a sudden urge to listen to xtc. specifically oranges & lemons. i hadn't listened to xtc in a while, and i have no idea where this came from. but i started listening to it and i really loved it. the first few songs on that album always remind me of the train ride. Mayor of Simpleton and King for a Day are some of my favorite songs xtc ever made. this kickstarted my "xtc phase", and i ended up listening to Nonsuch, Apple Venus Volume 1, Black Sea, and English Settlement, and loved all of them. for the next few months, i listened to a fuckton of xtc and played a fuckton of animal crossing. then it changed to listening to a fuckton of beach boys and playing webfishing.

back home, the dog days of summer were fucking brutal. it was so fucking hot and humid, as it always is in south carolina during the summer. i never wanted to step outside ever. my job was woefully understaffed, and every day working there was a hassle. i really started to hate that job. i hated having to deal with all these people coming in, with nobody there to help me. my anxiety was still ever-present, and whenever i stayed at home, i was filled with those feelings of anhedonia again.

finally, i decided to do something about it. i made an appointment with a doctor to try to get some new meds for my anxiety, and i started seeing a therapist. i was prescribed lexapro and started taking it in august. almost immediately, my mood started improving. i was actually feeling things again. for the first time in my life, i felt like meds actually helped me. i had more energy to do things. i felt enjoyment in even the small things in life. i had forgotten what that felt like. so uh, thank you lexapro.

around this time is when i commissioned an official reference for my fursona of 2024, Vivian! she's a space nerd foxgirl, like me. i would say my interest in astronomy at this time was greater than it ever had been before. the trip to see the stars in december felt spiritual to me. there is something i can't explain about how it made me feel. i absolutely love space and how small it makes me feel. i love knowing how many endless incredible things are out there in the void. oh, and i love foxes too! i love the way they laugh. (art is by jessieggbread)

my mood kept improving until about mid-october. that's when i got into a car accident. it was my fault; i was trying to turn left in front of a car, and i knew it was a bit risky, but i did it anyway. he slammed into my car, toward the backside. the airbags went off and knocked the glasses off my face, and my ears were ringing. i was stunned, but thankfully i was uninjured, save for some soreness and bruising where the seatbelt slapped back against me. i was very lucky, it could have been a lot worse. but it meant that my car was totaled. my shitty 2007 toyota camry that i got in 2019. we had been thru a lot together, and i was sad to see it go. jk i was actually ok seeing it go cus it really was a piece of shit car. not long after, i got a new car, a 2022 toyota camry, and it's sooooo much better omg. maybe the accident was a blessing in disguise. (it wasn't, it raised my insurance by a lot and i have pretty expensive car payments now :D )

after that, i started to slip a bit. i don't think it was related to the car accident, but for some reason, i felt major anxiety about even coming into work. like i mentioned, i had come to hate that job, and i didn't like talking to strangers all day. some of them were openly hostile and had even threatened us. i started calling out of work a lot. i felt guilty about it, but getting out of bed in the morning was almost impossible. the lexapro helped with my general anxiety, but i still had my depression, and i would feel anxious every morning. i kept calling out more and more, until it got to the point where i was missing most of the days at the office. i knew they were going to fire me because of this at some point, and i didn't want that, but i just couldn't help it. it's hard to explain. i know what i did was wrong and it wasn't rational, but my mental state at the time was not great. i would eventually be let go from that job.

the election didn't make things any better. that really changed my mindset a lot. i became a lot more cynical after that. it even tested my belief in a higher power. i know that sounds ridiculous, but i became convinced that god did not exist, and that the concept of karma was not real, and that justice is a thing that is only achieved at random. this spiraled a bit into thoughts of dying, and how i thought that life was meaningless, and the afterlife was nonexistent. i was born into a world that i slowly came to realize was hell. each day that went by, i lost faith in any good in the world.

during this era, i really came to grips with the concept of death. i've been terrified of dying my entire life, and as much as i try not think about it, death is always in the back of my head. the panic attack in january really triggered these thoughts even more for me. i started to come to terms with my place in the universe. everything was here long before i was born, and it will be here long after i am gone. we live in a cruel universe, where life and death are things that must coexist. being a conscious being is the greatest gift i could ever have, and it's terrifying to think about the permanent snuffing out of your consciousness, of everything you could ever experience. but it will happen one day, and there's nothing i can do to avoid it. i can put it off for a while, but it will happen. it will happen to the people i love. uh... i don't really have a point here. these are just my thoughts on it. it still scares me. but i hope that, when the day comes that i have to really reckon with my age and death, i will be better prepared.

this era ends on November 20 2024, because of an event that i don't really want to discuss here.

my rating for this era is a 6/10.