UNIVERSITY (TAKE 1)

the beginning of this era was the happiest and most optimistic time of my life.

i was getting ready to finally start attending classes at the university of south carolina, majoring in media broadcasting. i had been waiting for this since i graduated high school, almost four years prior. i was supposed to start attending much earlier, but it kept getting pushed back, until it seemed like an abstract thing that could never happen. but now it was here, and it felt surreal. this was going to be a great opportunity for me. i couldn't wait to live on my own, meet new people, make new friends, and learn about broadcasting.

i liked my apartment. it wasn't very big, but it was enough room for me, and i quite enjoyed being able to live on my own, at first. i felt excited and happy about even doing the most mundane things, like shopping for groceries. i felt so free. and i was gonna make sure that this apartment would look like mine. i could decorate it however i wanted. i could vomit my interests all over the walls. and that's what i did! i started printing out images i liked and used thumbtacks to pin them on my walls. here's what it looked like what it was just starting out:

however, i felt quite anxious about starting classes. i knew i would be okay, as long as i just got through the first couple weeks to get used to it. i woke up very early to get to my first class on time. it was nice to be in a class setting again. i had three classes that day, and for some reason, i skipped the third one. i guess i felt tired by that point, and i figured that not much happens on the first day of class anyway. on the second day of school, i had two classes, and i skipped both of them. on the third day, i skipped all three of my classes. my attendance in class was, uh, sporadic, at the very least.

during this time, i was super-hyperfixating on animal collective. i listened to their album Painting With *a lot*. i don't even know why. it's definitely not their best release, but it's just what i was listening to at the time. whenever i hear that album now, i associate it with the feeling of optimism and freedom i had during this time. i also fell in love with old anco classics like Spirit, and got really into other albums i hadn't heard up to that point, like Water Curses, Campfire Songs, Ark, etc. i was still doing edibles, and anco's music really hit hard during those highs. around march, i went to see avey tare in savannah, georgia. there was a moment, before the show, where a guy walked past me. i looked up at him. IT WAS AVEY TARE. WE MADE EYE CONTACT. so dreamy. the show was great.

however, i still had a lingering anxiety about classes, and it snowballed. missing the classes only made me more anxious about going back to class, which made me feel more scared to go back to class in the first place. the next week, i only went to only one class. same for the third week. it got worse and worse and worse. until i was missing every class. all classes. i was so anxious that i just stayed in my room, thinking that i could still salvage the semester, but i would do all the work later. everyone thought i was going to classes. in reality, i was sitting around my room, doing fucking nothing, all week. every day i'd think about going to class, then decided that i was too anxious and depressed to go out, and i stayed inside. i also got uber eats for almost *every meal i had*, which was 20 bucks minimum per meal. i felt very ashamed for missing my classes and for wasting money on uber eats. very. ashamed.

the anxiety kept growing. my depression got worse and worse, and being camped up in my room made me feel trapped. i was feeling mentally unstable, and at times i felt close to having a mental breakdown. eventually, i just gave up on going to class. here's something i wrote to my friends, around early february:

"i dont think ive ever felt so frustrated and miserable in my life idk what to do idk what to do i hate my fucking brain i just want to ugh its fuckingg torture to just be in my skin in my disgusting fucking body my brain is so fucked up it drives me towards the things that make me feel like shit i just want to rip myself apart and destroy myself ill never be who or what i want to be and any semblance of hope i had is being melted away because i am a pathetic excuse for a human being and every day i dig myself deeper and deeper into this fucking hole and one day im gonna suffocate myself in here"

so as you can see, i was doing great! no, but really, my mental state was spiraling. my brain was clouding my judgement and i felt strange feelings of hatred and contempt to the people that i loved the most. i can't explain why it started, but this would also snowball. by march, i had given up on trying to salvage my classes. it was too late. in a way, it felt relieving, knowing that i didn't have to worry about that for the rest of semester. but i still felt a lot of shame and guilt.

i figured i would still try to branch out and make some friends, even if my social anxiety was unbearable. i found a poster for a transgender therapy group, which i applied for. i also went to my university's gay club meeting for the first time. i dressed in my emo girl outfit. i had a black shirt with a red heart and actual safety pins on it, red and black arm warmers, spiked bracelets, a red and black skirt, and big scary boots that rattled with every step.

this was the first time i ever wore my feminine clothing out in public, and it was very nerve-wracking. but at the meeting, i got a lot of compliments on my outfit, which i never really got before. i felt comfortable and safe at the meeting, and i also felt very affirmed and validated. i also got accepted for the trans group therapy, which made me feel even better. it was nice to talk to like-minded individuals about my fears and hopes as a trans woman. i would say that these events were the best part of this era. i felt like i actually grew.

after the group therapy sessions ended, i got this text from someone transitioning to female:

i had never felt that way before. to know that i inspired someone... it touched me so much, and it gave me a lot of hope.

i essentially spent the rest of this era just rotting in my bed, aside from going to club meetings and group therapy. i felt trapped in my room, and i felt so frustrated when i couldn't do anything all day. i would sometimes do random things in a desperate attempt to feel something. in april, some time around midnight, i decided to drive to the middle of the forest to look at the stars. it was dark and scary out there. but the scariest thing to me wasn't the darkness, or the wilderness, or the remoteness. it was the stars above. i could hardly even get out of my car to look up at them.

btw, here's what my wall looked like by the end of the semester:

this era ends on the last day of the semester i didn't attend, when i drove back home to stay with my parents again for the summer. the (Foul Summer). oh dear, that's not a promising name for an era!

my rating for this era is a 3.5/10.